Story I

The Magic Elixir

This story follows a girl named Emma who is quite a laid back character, a little too laid back, she can't hold down a job and generally dislikes everything about being alive.

Emma wakes up and her apartment is a wreck, she looks a mess with her hair askew and make up smudged all over her face. She looks down and doesn't recognize the underwear she's wearing, she slept with her shoes on and her shirt inside out. This a normal hangover for a girl like Emma. She removes her shoes, gets up, stretches and cringes at the disturbing sound emanating from her stomach, she knows that her stomach shouldn't be making that noise but she won't go to her GP because last time she went it was for her hemorrhoids and now she's too embarrassed to return. Instead, she ignores it and makes for the fridge hoping that she can find something to ease the storm brewing in her bowels. Her attempts were in vain when all she can find is a lump of cheese that used to be yellow, but is now an assortment of vile greens and purples. She doesn't throw it away. Right before she goes to slam the fridge door shut, she notices a very strange bottle in the side compartment that she doesn't recognize. Upon further examination, she vaguely remembers buying it a week earlier from a bearded hobo for three quid and half a burger. He told her to enjoy it, so she takes a large gulp and slides it back into the fridge before letting the door shut itself. She blinks twice and a wave of euphoria runs through her entire body, she can see stars, there's music playing behind her eyeballs and the sky outside is purple. She opens the fridge door and finds it brimming with food; cakes, milkshake, quiche, flan, flapjacks, grandma's cherry pie etc. She stares at the food and decides not to eat it because it appeared out of nowhere, it is extremely suspicious. As soon as she turns away from the fridge her stomach twists and bile explodes up her oesophagus and all over the wall opposite. She gets vomit in her hair but as soon as she's done, she feels a lot better. She doesn't clean up the puke. She checks her watch, pulls a pair of jeans on and decides to go down to the job centre. She is a regular there. On her way out of her apartment building, she remembers that she's behind on her rent and tip toes past her land lord's apartment but Emma never had good luck, she trips over her feet and smacks her face off the door. She prayed to Lucifer that he wouldn't come out. He did. With a raised voice, the moustache clad man begins his verbal assault on his innocent tenant and tells her if she doesn't pay up, he will kick her out onto the streets. Emma wasn't fazed though, she told the man that he was extremely angry for a little person and to excuse her while she quenches her thirst. She takes a swig from the bottle, her eyes never leaving the light reflecting from her land lord's shining bald head. She replaces the lid and feels something uncomfortable in her sock, she reaches down to remove the debris from between her toes but finds that it is a giant wad of cash. She thrusts the money towards her land lord and leaves the building pronto, it is not a good idea to look back she repeats in her head. As soon as she gets to her green punto, she feels the euphoria rippling from her toes to her cranium and she suddenly blows chunks all over the window. It takes her a few moments to realise that she had left her car window open all night, the puke was resting peacefully on the driver's seat and her CD player had been ripped out. She reaches down to her sock again and pulls out a few leftover notes, she decides to walk to the job centre instead and grab some smokes along the way. As soon as she gets to the shop, she feels something funny in her hand. She opens it and finds that the money has turned into a pile of dirt, she wipes it on someone's back on her way out. Down at the job centre it's the usual situation, the woman at the desk telling her to get a job and keep it, Emma telling her to get laid. She phones up about a waitressing job and they ask her can she work immediately, damn right I can work immediately Emma explains. On her way to the job, she feels extremely woozy. She can't walk in a straight line and has forgotten what her name is but remembers that it's sewn into the inside of her underwear. When she looks, she remembers that she's wearing unknown undies but the name sewn inside says 'made in china'. She has an insane urge to eat chow mein. When Emma arrives at work finally, a half hour late, she is thrown into the deep end. She has always been a clumsy girl and when she smashes a few plates, the supervisor tries to be sympathetic since it's the first time she has worked there but when Emma vomits all over a plate of full english and then serves it to a customer stating 'extra scrambled eggs', that is the last straw. Not that Emma didn't see it coming, but she was fired. There is only one choice left for Emma, the last resort, the one thing she promised she would never ever do unless she was in the most pathetic state of desperation that she will ever be in. She phoned her parents. When she asks to borrow money, her Mom says that they won't give her a penny until she proves to them that she has cleaned up her act. Come over for lunch said she, your Dad aint seen you in a while. Emma agreed, she quickly dipped into a Tesco Express on her way where she sprayed herself down with Febreze and shoplifted a packet of chewing gum. Before knocking on her parent's front door, she takes a quick swig from the bottle in her pocket because her mouth felt crazily dry. Inside, things were going well for a while. The nostalgia that her parent's home brought was quite calming and Emma felt as though everything would be okay. That is until she anticaptes that she's going hurl all over her Mom's expensive Persian rug. In a panic she gets up and makes for the bathroom but she can't walk, her ankles feel like jelly and she smashes into walls and knocks down an urn holding her Grandma's ashes from the mantle on the wall which sprinkles down from the air like pixie dust. Her Dad grabs her to stop her from moving and she empties out the contents of her stomach all over his face while his mouth is open. Needless to say, her parents were not happy after this incident and kicked Emma out, telling her to leave for good. In her ever increasing state of despair, Emma decided to walk around for a while to calm herself down. It didn't work. She went to take another sip from the bottle but realised that it's the bottle that keeps getting her into trouble, the drink is what is making her sick! She hurls it as far as she can throw and it shatters about 3 feet in front of her on the ground and splashes up her legs. She walks for a while longer, trying to take the shortest route home. Keep in mind that Emma hasn't eaten all day, she's a complete stresshead at present and she's been drinking something that can only be described as acid all day. She passes out up a wall. When Emma is shook awake, it is nightfall. She looks up the man shaking her, he was wearing a dicky bow and long johns, but his teeth were mangled like they'd been pulled out of his face and shoved back in again. Emma hated weird teeth. She began to scream and he clamped his hand, which tasted of feet, over her mouth. Just calm down he said, calm down and tell me what has happened. Emma is notorious for her verbal diarrhea and tells the stranger about the elixir and her money problems and her hunger. He laughs and tells her he will buy her some food, she follows him into a shop where he buys her a kit kat and a scratch card then bids her farewell. What a nice man Emma thought. She munched the kit kat and scratched the grey bits from the scratch card. She must have stared at the card for ten minutes straight before she worked out that she'd won the jackpot. I'll cash it in the morning she thought as she went to bed with a smile on her face for once. END